Just know

I was always busy.
I'm by nature a do-er. Even as a kid I was finding new activities to join. I wanted to know everything, read everything, try a new musical instrument, find a new flower, get a new pet. My parents were right there, driving me to lessons, picking me up from rehearsals, attending concerts, and giving me time to explore. Not to mention all the encouragement!

I grew up and stayed busy. I like to be involved. I have great ideas.

Then I had kids.

I was very very ill after the delivery of my daughter. The blessing in this was that I had to slow down. I still had great ideas, still wanted to be involved, but healing and recovery put  the brakes on. If I had been able to dive into motherhood with all the unbridled enthusiasm my nature held, I would have missed something important - my precious daughter needed time. She wasn't like the other kids.

I didn't know it until she was 8, and by then I'd had another child, my amazing son, but she has Asperger's Syndrome.  Fiercely intelligent, she has the same drive to learn and know that I have always had.  But. She can't always manage the same level of doing. Interpreting social situations takes major energy, mental and physical. When she runs out of steam, there is nothing for her but to get home to her comfy spot to read her favorite things, watch her favorite videos, be near us but disconnected.

My son has a sweet, caring spirit. He needs time with friends, needs social time, but his struggle is with anxiety and panic. His diagnosis didn't come until he was 9, and I wish I'd seen it earlier. He wants to be with people, learn new things, but there are days he can't make a start. Days where just reading is a impossible because that anxiety clouds his mind.

Throw in my body's attempts to self destruct, and there are days we feel stuck. Days we are stuck.

At least we are stuck together.

Just know that we love our friends. Just know that we want to enjoy all our lovely life has to offer. We are trying as hard as we can. But just know that some days the only way to survive is to cancel all the plans, drop all the balls, and try to keep from going under.

If I can't show up, please forgive me. If you wonder why I waited so long to let you know I wouldn't be there, please forgive me. It's just that I was so hoping that reality would shift in a way that made it possible for me to be that happy, energetic friend I used to be. I hate to let you down.

Just know that we are trying as hard as we can. Together.